"Gas"
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 30,341
Likes: 9
From: Cambridge, Ont. Canada
"Gas"
Here's a mid week funny that we can all relate to:
C.
I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 21,095
Likes: 47
From: Toronto, GTA north
Well, since you brought the subject up......
Gas Attack.....
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"dammit Ginger, get away from her before she schits on you!"
Gas Attack.....
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"dammit Ginger, get away from her before she schits on you!"
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 30,341
Likes: 9
From: Cambridge, Ont. Canada
.....good one Ian......
Trending Topics
OK here we go:
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on
a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know
what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road?
He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't
know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite,
one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both
under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread
the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The
outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop
the now-empty hole.."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and
picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one
with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then
lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into
the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite ..... shooting the outhouse
into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ..... spreading
poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
"Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her pants, she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.
a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know
what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road?
He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't
know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite,
one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both
under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread
the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The
outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop
the now-empty hole.."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and
picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one
with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then
lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into
the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite ..... shooting the outhouse
into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ..... spreading
poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
"Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her pants, she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.
Last edited by RBull; Jul 24, 2007 at 04:56 PM.
And another:
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you
sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and
goes
and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...
that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man
who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he
said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB
job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you
sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and
goes
and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...
that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man
who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he
said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB
Last edited by RBull; Jul 24, 2007 at 04:55 PM.
And anther:
The Epic of the Baked Bean
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles
to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He
shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles
to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He
shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
Last edited by RBull; Jul 24, 2007 at 04:54 PM.
And another:
50 Fun Things to do in a Public Washroom
1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
2. Complement people on their shoes.
3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....
6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
8. Simulate a drug deal.
9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
11. Start a sing-a-long.
12. Act schizophrenically.
13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
15. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
16. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
19. Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
20. Fake an orgasm.
21. At night, switch off the lights.
22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
23. Collect a door charge.
24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
29. Offer refreshments.
30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
31. Run in, yelling "Free *****!"
32. Charge admission.
33. Electrify metal urinals.
34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
35. One word: GOLDFISH.
36. Make a jello in the bowl.
37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
38. Remove stall doors.
39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
50. ****.
1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
2. Complement people on their shoes.
3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....
6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
8. Simulate a drug deal.
9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
11. Start a sing-a-long.
12. Act schizophrenically.
13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
15. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
16. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
19. Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
20. Fake an orgasm.
21. At night, switch off the lights.
22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
23. Collect a door charge.
24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
29. Offer refreshments.
30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
31. Run in, yelling "Free *****!"
32. Charge admission.
33. Electrify metal urinals.
34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
35. One word: GOLDFISH.
36. Make a jello in the bowl.
37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
38. Remove stall doors.
39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
50. ****.