lol. You are on a roll DJ.

 

Four friends spend weeks planning
the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife
puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends were very upset that he can't go,
but what could they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to
find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish
cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in
my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and
said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see
through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On
the bed, she had handcuffs and rope!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I
did. Then she said "Do what ever you want."
Here I am.

 

Two part Joke because I can't figure out how to do it in one post.

Vehicle Education 101:

A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is
"What will it do?"

The answer is usually something like "zero to 60 in 5.3 seconds," or something along those lines.

Well, here's the brand new 2011 Ferrari "458 Italia"

First, here's what it looks like:

 

And here is what it can do...

 

Great Offensive Jokes

________________________________________________

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “**** that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

________________________________________________

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own ****ing bike, and wanted to go home!
________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed, that the offenders drank all of his beer and raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they ****ed my wife after only five beers!”



Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. However, in my defense when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts tend to kick in.

________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I serviced a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re away on a boys only trip, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quick” wasn’t the right answer.

________________________________________________

When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child. Obviously none of them have ever seen an Arab run down by a Tractor Trailer rig!

 

I think we are long overdue for some laughter, so...


I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

 

^^ I hate it when that happens, LOL!!

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over

fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

 

 

DJ - my wife an i just spit out our morning coffee.

 

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so
I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"


One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"


So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?"


Then the lights went out...

 

See post 276 - https://g35driver.com/forums/6398977-post276.html

It's good but...too soon

 

haha damn it!, here's another one!

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
>
> As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
> "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
>
> My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
>
> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
>
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

Ouch!

 

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!