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15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her/his sweet time:

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*1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

*2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

*3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

*4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares,...and see what happens.

*5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here".

 

lol #15 is funny

 

Great list Robert... I couldn't stop laughing

 

OXYMORON: n. Where contradictory terms are combined, as in "a deafening
silence".

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks ?
2. Why is the "third" hand on a clock called a "second" hand ?
3 If a word is mispelled in a dictionary how would we ever know ?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary where did he find all those
words ?
5. Why does "slow" down and "slow" up mean the same thing ?
6. Why does "fat" chance and "slim" chance mean the same ?
7. Why do "tug" boats push those barges anyway ?
8. Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when we're already there ?
9. And why are they called "stands" when we're actually sitting most of
the time ?
10. Why is it that time of day called "after dark" when it's really
"after light" ?
11. Why are "wise" guys and "wise" men opposites ?
12. Why does "overlook" and "oversee" also mean opposite things ?
13. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds ?
14. If work is supposed to be so great why do we have to be paid to do it ?
15. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural ?
16. When we travel why do we put suits in "garment" bags and "garments"
in a suitcase ?
17. Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway ?
18. How did "abreviated" ever get to be such a "long" word ?
19. If "love is blind" then why is lingerie so popular ?
20. Christmas Time: What other time of the year do you sit in front of
dead tree and eat candy out of your socks ?

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the *********."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. "That's what I
need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2
neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been inthe business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell o! f a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

 

An middle-aged man was being tailgated by a stressed-out Baptist woman on a busy boulevard.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The woman behind him layed on the horn, screaming in frustration becasuse she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

I just got my new Lexus RX400H, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio
worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued...and On The Road Again ! came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I
said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled..... "*******S!"
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on
drums and Bill Clinton on sax....
Damn, I LOVE this car!

 

Hey eggman(sp?)
I am the optometrist at Walmart and that is some funny sh*t . Sometimes I want to figure out a way of making the 12 days of Christmas into the 12 days of Welfare, but I can't seem to get it right.

 

Okay, so three men (Bob, John, and Bill) die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and Peter explains to them how the rules of transportation work in heaven. The rule is that your mode of transportation will be equivalent to how faithful you were to your significant other while living on earth.

Bob, who was the most faithful man on earth, gets his choice of cars, and he chooses a Lambo Murcielago.

John, who cheated on his wife once, gets the keys to a 1999 Honda Accord.

Bill was a *****, and cheated on his wife more times than he can remember, so he gets a busted and rusted moped.

So the guys are hanging out in a parking lot just shooting the bull, when suddenly Bob bursts into tears. His buddies were shocked and asked him "Why are you so sad, you did great on Earth and now you can enjoy this beautiful car for the rest of eternity!"

Bob replied, through his tears: "My wife just rolled by on a three-wheeled skateboard!"

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 

They don't teach this in college

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers= 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

What does a tupaware bowl & a walrus have in common?






They both like a tight seal!!!

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a
>really
>bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next
>day she
>took it to a repair shop.
>The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
>have some
>fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail
>pipe really
>hard, and all the dents would pop out.
>So,the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees
>and
>started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So
>she blew a
>little harder, and still nothing happened.
>Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What
>are you
>doing?"
>The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
>her to
>blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to
>pop out.
>The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello!
>You need to
>roll up the windows first."

 

Check this out;

http://www.badading.com/Misc/TootTone.wmv

 

You missing a 710?,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde headed woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710o

http://www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg