Calling all lexophiles
#1
07-06-2006 | 07:39 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Calling all lexophiles & laugh lovers
Hope you get a chuckle or two.....
FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song, because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song, because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Last edited by RBull; 07-06-2006 at 10:59 AM.
#2
07-06-2006 | 07:47 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
and another
Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries when roads were non-existent or poor, everything bulky was commonly transported by ship. Since this time period was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, large shipments of manure were common. Manure was dried before shipping, because in dry form it weighs a lot less than it does wet, and it smells better. However, once the dry manure came into contact with water not only did it become heavier as the water was absorbed, but the process of fermentation began again, of which process a natural by product is the volatile methane gas.
When the manure bundles were stored below deck in the lowest holds where
bilge water would accumulate, you can see what could (and did) happen as the bundles absorbed the water; methane would build up in the hold until some poor sailor went below with a lantern, and BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was causing the explosions.
After that, the bundles of dried manure were always imprinted with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that seeped into the hold would not touch the bundles and start the production of the volatile methane gas.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down to us through the centuries and is still in use this very day.
You probably did not know the origins of this word, neither did I, thought it was a golf term.
Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries when roads were non-existent or poor, everything bulky was commonly transported by ship. Since this time period was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, large shipments of manure were common. Manure was dried before shipping, because in dry form it weighs a lot less than it does wet, and it smells better. However, once the dry manure came into contact with water not only did it become heavier as the water was absorbed, but the process of fermentation began again, of which process a natural by product is the volatile methane gas.
When the manure bundles were stored below deck in the lowest holds where
bilge water would accumulate, you can see what could (and did) happen as the bundles absorbed the water; methane would build up in the hold until some poor sailor went below with a lantern, and BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was causing the explosions.
After that, the bundles of dried manure were always imprinted with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that seeped into the hold would not touch the bundles and start the production of the volatile methane gas.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down to us through the centuries and is still in use this very day.
You probably did not know the origins of this word, neither did I, thought it was a golf term.
#3
07-06-2006 | 07:49 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
and a joke Happy Thursday.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable
.
#6
07-06-2006 | 08:24 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
and another
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on
a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know
what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road?
He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't
know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite,
one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both
under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread
the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The
outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop
the now-empty hole.."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and
picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one
with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then
lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into
the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite ..... shooting the outhouse
into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ..... spreading
poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
"Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her pants, she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on
a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know
what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road?
He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him,
"Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't
know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite,
one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both
under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread
the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The
outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop
the now-empty hole.."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and
picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one
with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then
lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into
the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite ..... shooting the outhouse
into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ..... spreading
poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
"Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her pants, she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.
#7
07-06-2006 | 08:27 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
These ones are no joke:
Darwin Awards 2003
You heard it here!
Yes, it's the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Award 2003. The
candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition again this year has been
keen.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily
run.
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer
banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a
resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people
looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
>with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP....
TACOMA, WA
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10
men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, " said Bingham, "is that
God was watching out for me on that night." "There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER....
PADERBORN, GERMANY
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs
and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated
Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil
enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where
he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there to help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that
time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
"$hit happens." You heard it here!
Darwin Awards 2003
You heard it here!
Yes, it's the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Award 2003. The
candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition again this year has been
keen.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily
run.
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer
banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a
resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people
looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
>with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP....
TACOMA, WA
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10
men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, " said Bingham, "is that
God was watching out for me on that night." "There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER....
PADERBORN, GERMANY
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs
and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated
Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil
enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where
he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there to help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that
time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
"$hit happens." You heard it here!
Trending Topics
#8
07-06-2006 | 08:28 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
and another
The Ministry of Transport Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the last five years covertly funded a project with Ford & Chrysler auto makers whereby Ford & Chrysler installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 9 of the 10 provinces that the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!".
Only the province of Newfoundland and Labrador was different, where 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold me beer and watch 'dis."
The Ministry of Transport Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the last five years covertly funded a project with Ford & Chrysler auto makers whereby Ford & Chrysler installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 9 of the 10 provinces that the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!".
Only the province of Newfoundland and Labrador was different, where 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold me beer and watch 'dis."
#9
07-06-2006 | 08:29 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
keep it going!!
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you
sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and
goes
and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...
that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man
who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he
said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you
sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and
goes
and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...
that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man
who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he
said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB
#10
07-06-2006 | 08:30 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
A protective coating for furniture.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bu nch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTH-ACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
A protective coating for furniture.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bu nch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTH-ACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
#11
07-06-2006 | 08:31 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
> perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
>
> Their life together was, of course, perfect.
>
> One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
> their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone
> at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
> stopped to help.
>
> There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
> disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
> loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
> along delivering the toys.
>
> Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
> couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
> survived the accident.
>
> Question: Who was the survivor?
> (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
> really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa
> Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
>
> **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men
> keep scrolling.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
> have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
>
> perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
>
> Their life together was, of course, perfect.
>
> One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
> their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone
> at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
> stopped to help.
>
> There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
> disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
> loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
> along delivering the toys.
>
> Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
> couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
> survived the accident.
>
> Question: Who was the survivor?
> (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
> really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa
> Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
>
> **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men
> keep scrolling.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
> have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
>
#12
07-06-2006 | 08:32 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
#13
07-06-2006 | 08:34 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Afghan Women and Equality
>
>
> A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving
> equality throughout the world......
> Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender
> roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
> that women customarily walked about ten paces behind their
> husbands.
> She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now
> walked several paces behind their wives.
> Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said. "This
> is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
> to achieve this reversal of roles?"
>
> "Land mines," said the woman.
>
>
>
>
> A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving
> equality throughout the world......
> Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender
> roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
> that women customarily walked about ten paces behind their
> husbands.
> She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now
> walked several paces behind their wives.
> Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said. "This
> is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
> to achieve this reversal of roles?"
>
> "Land mines," said the woman.
>
>
#14
07-06-2006 | 08:34 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Subject: THE BRITS ARE BEST AT COMPLAINT LETTERS
For the next time you have trouble with your ISP/bank/power company or any
other faceless beauracracy.
What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT WAS
TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT.
The piece suggests two things: Americans and Canadians are not the only ones
who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a
cable operator in Britain).
The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and
seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and th e even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with my ********* for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,
it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important ******** moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom(BT) was ****; tha t they had attained the holy
****-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of
the highest order. BT - ******* though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which
you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such
activi ty will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
May you rot in Hell,
Robert Stokes
For the next time you have trouble with your ISP/bank/power company or any
other faceless beauracracy.
What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT WAS
TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT.
The piece suggests two things: Americans and Canadians are not the only ones
who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a
cable operator in Britain).
The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and
seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and th e even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with my ********* for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is
roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,
it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important ******** moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom(BT) was ****; tha t they had attained the holy
****-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of
the highest order. BT - ******* though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which
you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such
activi ty will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
May you rot in Hell,
Robert Stokes
