Chuckle for the day - Canada
#1
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Chuckle for the day - Canada
Enjoy.
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to **** yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your *** cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming
their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market;
a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that
'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which
has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up
the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each
new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating
above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when
a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for
a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran
off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two
more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to **** yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your *** cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming
their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market;
a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that
'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which
has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up
the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each
new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating
above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when
a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for
a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran
off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two
more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
#7
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#11
Just thought I'd share. Happy Mothers Day you Mothers
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has
to say about Canooks
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September
through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you
assistance and they don't work there, you may live in
Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same
time, you may live in Canada
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live
in Canada
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Muncie
for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in
Canada
If you know several people who have hit a deer
more than once, you may live in Canada
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the
same day and back again, you may live in Canada
If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may
live in Canada
If you install security lights on your house and
garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in
Canada
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife
knows how to use them, you may live in Canada
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km --
you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may
live in Canada
If driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter,
still winter and road construction, you may live in
Canada
If you have more miles on your snow blower than
your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may
live in Canada
If you actually understand these jokes, and
forward them to all your Canadian friends & others,
you definitely live in Canada
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has
to say about Canooks
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September
through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you
assistance and they don't work there, you may live in
Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same
time, you may live in Canada
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live
in Canada
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Muncie
for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in
Canada
If you know several people who have hit a deer
more than once, you may live in Canada
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the
same day and back again, you may live in Canada
If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may
live in Canada
If you install security lights on your house and
garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in
Canada
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife
knows how to use them, you may live in Canada
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km --
you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may
live in Canada
If driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter,
still winter and road construction, you may live in
Canada
If you have more miles on your snow blower than
your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may
live in Canada
If you actually understand these jokes, and
forward them to all your Canadian friends & others,
you definitely live in Canada
#13
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada