Chuckle for the day
#241
05-29-2011, 07:27 PM
#243
05-29-2011, 07:43 PM
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally..........
CONFUCIUS SAY.........
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally..........
CONFUCIUS SAY.........
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
#246
05-31-2011, 09:27 PM
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar, and was about as drunk as it's possible to get?
A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home. First, they stood him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he kept falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they got to his house, he fell down another four times as they were getting him to the door.
His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asked, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home. First, they stood him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he kept falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they got to his house, he fell down another four times as they were getting him to the door.
His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asked, "Where's his wheelchair?"
#248
07-08-2011, 06:11 PM
#252
07-12-2011, 08:21 PM
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound *********, Turner Brown.'
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to consciousness, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my ********* weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown? Whew, I thought you said,
'Turn around!'
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to consciousness, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my ********* weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown? Whew, I thought you said,
'Turn around!'
#254
07-12-2011, 10:43 PM
#255
07-13-2011, 07:09 AM
[Goat Golf Joke
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a billy goat standing next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Baahh. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. " Baahh. 9 Iron."
He looks at the billy goat and decides to prove him wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the billy goat, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky goat, eh?" The billy goat reply's " Baahh. Lucky goat."
The man decides to take the billy goat with him to the next hole. "What do you think goat?" the man asks. " Baahh. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the billy goat, "OK where to next?" The billy goat reply, " Baahh. Las Vegas."
So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK goat, now what?" The billy goat says, " Baahh. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The billy goat replies, " Baahh. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. Once in the hotel room the man says "Goat, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." "Just name it and it is yours." The billy goat replies, " Baaah, Kiss Me."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a billy goat standing next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Baahh. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. " Baahh. 9 Iron."
He looks at the billy goat and decides to prove him wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the billy goat, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky goat, eh?" The billy goat reply's " Baahh. Lucky goat."
The man decides to take the billy goat with him to the next hole. "What do you think goat?" the man asks. " Baahh. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the billy goat, "OK where to next?" The billy goat reply, " Baahh. Las Vegas."
So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK goat, now what?" The billy goat says, " Baahh. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The billy goat replies, " Baahh. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. Once in the hotel room the man says "Goat, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." "Just name it and it is yours." The billy goat replies, " Baaah, Kiss Me."