Chuckle for the day
#197
01-13-2011, 06:56 PM
A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled
over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his
driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed
carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.
Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a ..357 revolver in my inside coat
pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And,
I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.
That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"
"Not a fricken’ thing..."
over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his
driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed
carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.
Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a ..357 revolver in my inside coat
pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And,
I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.
That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"
"Not a fricken’ thing..."
#199
01-17-2011, 09:26 AM
IF you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look
it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As
a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission
to kick our ***! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and
the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play
our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape
would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we
rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the
house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually
had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of
the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then
there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how
annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances,
mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And
you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder
and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to
get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO
REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL
WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.
Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back
inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you
hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the
chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your
head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot
gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...
Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look
it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As
a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission
to kick our ***! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and
the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play
our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape
would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we
rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the
house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually
had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of
the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then
there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how
annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances,
mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And
you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder
and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to
get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO
REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL
WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.
Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back
inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you
hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the
chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your
head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot
gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)
#200
01-17-2011, 12:17 PM
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#203
01-22-2011, 04:10 PM
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#205
01-23-2011, 12:34 PM
#206
01-25-2011, 12:41 PM
THE HYPNOTIST
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****!" cried Claude.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****!" cried Claude.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
#209
01-28-2011, 03:18 PM
mensa invitational
the washington post's mensa invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The washington post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. *****-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. ********, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by jewish men
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The washington post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. *****-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. ********, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by jewish men