Chuckle for the day
#137
09-18-2010, 07:38 AM
Good one Ian. 
> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
> With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
> "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
> What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
> It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
> because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
> but women in general and all in the name of humour!"
>
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f*cker on your knee."
>
> With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
> "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
> What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
> It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
> because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
> but women in general and all in the name of humour!"
>
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f*cker on your knee."
>
#138
10-05-2010, 11:26 AM
The Pastors Paycheck
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church,
and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers..'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church,
and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers..'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
#140
10-07-2010, 02:21 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It'sonly $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what
you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It'sonly $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie
and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what
you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Last edited by InTgr8r; 10-07-2010 at 02:47 PM.
#142
10-07-2010, 04:55 PM
An oldie but a goodie Ian!
Here's another:
Here's another:
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you I’m doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who manage it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you I’m doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who manage it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON
#144
10-18-2010, 08:04 PM
Oldie Alert
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
#147
10-19-2010, 09:39 PM
Vicke was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Vicke took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' Vicke asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' Vicke asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, Vicke said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
Vicke said, 'That's okay. It's important for Tim to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Vicke took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' Vicke asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' Vicke asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, Vicke said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
Vicke said, 'That's okay. It's important for Tim to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
#149
10-20-2010, 06:54 AM
> *Spre**ad the Stupidity*
> *Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
> back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> cigarettes at the front.*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> *Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
> and a diet coke.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
> pens to the counters.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
>
> Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
> driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
> in packages of eight..** *
>
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> EVER WONDER ...**
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens** **our skin?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why can't **women** **put on mascara with their mouth closed?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> *
>
> Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> *
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
> with real lemons?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?*
>
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
> **
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
>
>
>
> *
> I like this one!!!**
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
>
> If flying is so safe,** **why do they call the airport the terminal?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> cigarettes at the front.*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> *Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
> and a diet coke.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
> pens to the counters.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
>
> Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
> driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
> in packages of eight..** *
>
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> EVER WONDER ...**
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens** **our skin?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why can't **women** **put on mascara with their mouth closed?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> *
>
> Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
> *
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
> with real lemons?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?*
>
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
> **
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
>
>
>
> *
> I like this one!!!**
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?*
> ------------------------------
>
> *
>
>
> If flying is so safe,** **why do they call the airport the terminal?*
> ------------------------------
>
>
#150
10-21-2010, 01:39 PM
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Belleville Intelligencer and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back.."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won the dead mule got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the Ontario government.
They're overseeing McGuinty's Harmonization Sales Tax Plan.
...