Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

A lady told her Husband to go to the store to buy cigarettes. He walks down to d store to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use d vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman n starts talking to her. They have few beers n one thing leads to another n they end up in her apartment. Later, he wakes up n realises its 3AM n says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to get really angry. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some powder. he rubs it on his hands n leaves.
At d door, angry wife "Where the hell hv u been?" "Well, honey, I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to d bar to use d vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there n we hd a few drinks n one thing led to another n I ended up in bed with her.
"
"Oh yeah? Lemme c ur hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder. "You God damn liar! You were playing pool again!"

Moral of the story : Always tell ur wife the truth. She won't believe u anyway!!!

 

 

i'll just leave this right here...

 

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this the woman can't stand it any more.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank "The Midget."

 

Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge... 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge... 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge... 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge... 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge... 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge... 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @!&&-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge... 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge... 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge... 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge... 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge... 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge... 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge... 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge... 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb

Judge... 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge... 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge ... 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge... 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge... 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge...3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge... 3 - No Report.



Go ahead.. keep laughing and wipe the spit off the computer screen.. You may want to wipe your eyes as you teared thru the whole thing..

 

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

 

A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



God replied: "Chit, I didn't recognize you."

 

A biker stops when he notices a young girl who's about to jump off a bridge.
He asks her: Do U mind giving me the final kiss before you jump?
She quietly accepts & gives him one of the deepest lingering kisses he has ever had.
When she finishes, He says: Wow, this is the best Kiss I ever had.
Why are you committing suicide?
She replies: My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.