Chuckle for the day
#226
02-25-2011, 04:31 PM
David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with
some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to
ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with
some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to
ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
#227
02-26-2011, 02:20 PM
#229
03-04-2011, 12:00 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20..00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20..00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
#231
03-04-2011, 04:28 PM
Muslim Warning, the situation looks dire.....
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the
United States that if the United States' meddling
in Egypt continues they intend to cut off America's
supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results,
cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and
AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened
not to send us any more presidents either.*****
***It's gonna get ugly, people.
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the
United States that if the United States' meddling
in Egypt continues they intend to cut off America's
supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results,
cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and
AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened
not to send us any more presidents either.*****
***It's gonna get ugly, people.
#233
03-04-2011, 05:45 PM
A young Navy Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Seabee Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Seabee Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ****in' ear."
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Seabee Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Seabee Master Chief replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ****in' ear."
#234
03-16-2011, 11:32 AM
Husband Down!
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.
#236
03-16-2011, 11:40 AM
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain
who inspected his sailors, and
afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps
it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded,
"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and
wants you to change your underwear."
He continued,
" Leo you change with Jerry,
Tony you change with Bert and
Bob you change with Ed."
THE MORAL OF THE
STORY:
Someone may come along and
promise "Change",
but don't count on things
smelling any better.
who inspected his sailors, and
afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps
it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded,
"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and
wants you to change your underwear."
He continued,
" Leo you change with Jerry,
Tony you change with Bert and
Bob you change with Ed."
THE MORAL OF THE
STORY:
Someone may come along and
promise "Change",
but don't count on things
smelling any better.
#238
03-20-2011, 03:40 PM
Three third graders from Tennessee: an Italian kid, an Irish kid and a black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"
#239
05-29-2011, 06:35 PM
Blonde mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'