Chuckle for the day
#122
06-03-2010, 08:11 AM
A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes' and another tear came from the other eye..
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fvcked out of my peaches.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes' and another tear came from the other eye..
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fvcked out of my peaches.
good one Ian
#125
07-10-2010, 07:43 AM
another possible chuckle
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
#126
07-10-2010, 09:31 PM
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#129
09-17-2010, 04:33 PM
The Newfie Millionaire.
>
> Jarge, from Newfoundland ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
> And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars.
>
> "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant,
> The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars
> You've only got one life-line left ? phone a friend.
> Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
>
> "Yes,Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"
>
> "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
>
> a) Sparrow
>
> b) Thrush,
>
> c) Magpie,
>
> d) Cuckoo?
>
> "I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge,
>
> ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie
> back
> home in Carner Brook."
>
> Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated
> the question to him.
>
>
> "Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......
> It's a cuckoo."
> "Are you sure?"
>
> "Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."
>
> Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris,
> "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight
> dee-ploma."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
>
> "Yes it is, Buy"
>
> There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo
>
> is the correct answer!
> Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"
>
> The next night,
> Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
>
> "Tell me, Charlie ole ****?
> How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its
>
> own nest?"
>
> "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
>
> Jarge, from Newfoundland ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
> And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars.
>
> "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant,
> The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars
> You've only got one life-line left ? phone a friend.
> Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
>
> "Yes,Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!"
>
> "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
>
> a) Sparrow
>
> b) Thrush,
>
> c) Magpie,
>
> d) Cuckoo?
>
> "I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge,
>
> ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie
> back
> home in Carner Brook."
>
> Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated
> the question to him.
>
>
> "Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......
> It's a cuckoo."
> "Are you sure?"
>
> "Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure."
>
> Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris,
> "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight
> dee-ploma."
>
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
>
> "Yes it is, Buy"
>
> There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo
>
> is the correct answer!
> Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!"
>
> The next night,
> Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
>
> "Tell me, Charlie ole ****?
> How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its
>
> own nest?"
>
> "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
#131
09-17-2010, 04:59 PM
^WHS
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love ... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend ...
Done my part!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love ... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend ...
Done my part!
#133
09-17-2010, 09:51 PM
Kkk
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who
did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding..I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who
did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding..I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
