Here's another one to add to the other ones up there:
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

 

lol.... Sounds like a Rodney.

 

Bottle of Merlot


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of
his head.


She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it
to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several
garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account
and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the wine back....

Tiger

 

During a recent computer password audit at our company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOtt awa"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said it was because she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

 

^LOL, good ones Swivel!! The first one is an oldie adapted to Tiger!

 

Good ones SH

 

Poor ol' Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There goes Stanley with them two arseholes.'

 

 

hahahah, thanks for the laugh Ian!

 

Haha, another OBG

 

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

 

^haha, that's a good one!!

 

Paddy goes to see his doctor about a problem with his sex life.

"Doctor, me and the wife have been together for 10 years and she's never orgasmed during sex"

"You and your wife must be getting too hot, what you need is something to cool you down like an electric fan"

Paddy decides that he isn't going to spend big bucks on a fan and instead gets his mate Murphy to come round and waft him
and his wife with a towel while they're going at it. 20 minutes of sex later and Paddy's wife still hasn't orgasmed, so Paddy
jumps up and tells Murphy to get on her while he takes charge of the towel. After 10 minutes of sex with Murphy,
Paddy's wife has the biggest orgasm of her life.

"See?" says Paddy, "THAT'S how you waft a towel!"

 

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chucky. Wherever I go chucky Goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow aanimals in the Theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. ... See More
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

 

The Washington Post once ran a contest asking readers to take any word from the dictionary
and change/add/remove only one letter, then provide a definition for the new word.
Here are some of the results:


Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section

Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank

Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it

Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers

Coiterie: a very very close-knit group

Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription

Elepants: too-tight jeans on broad-beamed people

Lollapalooka: someone who has taken one too many turns in the mosh pit

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly

DIOS: the one true operating system

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late

Hipatitis: terminal coolness

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness

Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them

Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family

Guillozine: a magazine for executioners

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease

Adulatery: cheating on one's wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu

Emasculathe: a tool for castration

Sata: a mythical being who brings toys to bad children

Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer

Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man's front pocket

Glibido: all talk and no action

Antifun gal: a prude

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room

Eunouch: the pain of castration

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper

Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window

Hozone: the area around 14th Street

Acme: a generic skin disease

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato

Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people , that stops bright ideas from penetrating the Bozone layer.
It unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->