Chuckle for the day
#107
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Not sure if this is a new one or not. Not really a chuckle but some interesting trivia.
Here are some facts about the 1500.
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in
> a pot & then
> once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......
> if you had to do this to survive you were "**** Poor".
>
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to
> buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to **** in" and were the
> lowest of the low.
>
>
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
> May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However,since they were
> starting to smell . .. .brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
> body odor.
>
> Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
>
>
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
> had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
> other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
> the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in
> it.
>
> Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
>
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no ceiling
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so
> all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
>
> When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
> slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
> dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
> This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
> could mess up your nice clean bed.
>
> Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
> some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
>
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>
> Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."
>
>
> The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter
> when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
> footing.
>
> As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when
> you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
> was placed in the entrance-way.
>
> Hence: a thresh hold.
>
>
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
> kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
> added things to the pot.
>
> They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
> stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
>
> Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
>
> Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
> the pot nine days old.
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
> When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
> It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
> They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
> around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
> so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
> loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
>
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
> along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
>
> They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
> family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
>
> Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening thesecoffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...
>
>
>
> And that's the truth...
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in
> a pot & then
> once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......
> if you had to do this to survive you were "**** Poor".
>
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to
> buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to **** in" and were the
> lowest of the low.
>
>
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
> May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However,since they were
> starting to smell . .. .brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
> body odor.
>
> Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
>
>
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
> had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
> other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
> the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in
> it.
>
> Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
>
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no ceiling
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so
> all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
>
> When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
> slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
> dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
> This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
> could mess up your nice clean bed.
>
> Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
> some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
>
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>
> Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."
>
>
> The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter
> when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
> footing.
>
> As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when
> you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
> was placed in the entrance-way.
>
> Hence: a thresh hold.
>
>
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
> kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
> added things to the pot.
>
> They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
> stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
>
> Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
>
> Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
> the pot nine days old.
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
> When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
> It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
> They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
> around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
> so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
> loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
>
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
> along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
>
> They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
> family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
>
> Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening thesecoffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...
>
>
>
> And that's the truth...
#113
Irreverent CFTD
As seen on the Church Bulletin Board...
* As in years past at our Easter service Sister Jones will again come forward and lay an egg on the altar as we begin our service.
* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
* As in years past at our Easter service Sister Jones will again come forward and lay an egg on the altar as we begin our service.
* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
#115
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 19,619
Likes: 6
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Enjoy., I did. These are funny but only because they're nearly true.
Public School -- 1959 vs. 2009
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.